*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
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I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
that lip filler tho
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?