[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
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That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
A short story about romance.
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
Oops
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
Hitlers gonna hitl
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
New menu item
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me