[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
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the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now