[first date]

I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.

*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*

-Yeah, totally.

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Such a double standard that when a guy sleeps with a ton of people he’s “cool,” but when I do I’m “lying”


This morning I waved to the garbage men and smiled at coworkers in the elevator and now I’m pretty sure my wife is drugging my coffee.


toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”


Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.


Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…

No, not the glass one.


how to get into shape:
1. punch a bear
2. run. this is your life now


May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.


Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”

Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?

Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!

Other judge: Security



Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”