Such a double standard that when a guy sleeps with a ton of people he’s “cool,” but when I do I’m “lying”
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
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[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
This morning I waved to the garbage men and smiled at coworkers in the elevator and now I’m pretty sure my wife is drugging my coffee.
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
how to get into shape:
1. punch a bear
2. run. this is your life now
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”