[first date]

I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.

*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*

-Yeah, totally.

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If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.


May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.


[Enter Password]
[Password weak. Password accepted, but system cannot respect you.]


shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once


You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that