[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
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[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging