[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
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Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
Body by cheese-puffs.
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
These are too funny not to post 😂
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
Penguins walking in 5x speed
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.