[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
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2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
is this store having a stroke wtf
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
had to share :’)
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
“no gods no masters” = leo
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday