@ehchino

[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*

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@WilliamAder

In a perfect world, the phrase “axe body spray” would only be used to refer to blood splatter patterns.

@Cheeseboy22

A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.

@LeBearGirdle

[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”

@KattsDogma

[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE

@patrickmarkryan

Two drivers crash into each other. They both finish writing their texts before getting out of their cars to inspect the damage

@NewDadNotes

Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?

Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?

Me: oh.

Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?

Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.

@envydatropic

Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?

@andrew_durso

stand-up is an industry built around pretending they make you say the italian words at starbucks. every time i’ve asked for a “medium coffee” they just give it to me. not once has the exhausted teen behind the counter ever been like “no say the italian word.”

@TragicAllyHere

*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired

*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard

*start a fire*
People: calm down