[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
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When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
what could possibly go wrong?
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
catch me on valentine’s day like
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread