In a perfect world, the phrase “axe body spray” would only be used to refer to blood splatter patterns.
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
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A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
Two drivers crash into each other. They both finish writing their texts before getting out of their cars to inspect the damage
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
stand-up is an industry built around pretending they make you say the italian words at starbucks. every time i’ve asked for a “medium coffee” they just give it to me. not once has the exhausted teen behind the counter ever been like “no say the italian word.”
If I can’t have him, I’ll take a cheeseburger.
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired
*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard
*start a fire*
People: calm down