(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
You Might Also Like
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
fourth time’s the charm
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.