[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
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… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
house sitting!
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.