My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
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Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
Today’s Times
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
Pee pressure > peer pressure