*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
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teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
I can fix him.
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit