*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
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You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
Somebody call the cops.
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.