[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
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ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.