[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows

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me: what aisle are your dinner cereals in?

supermarket clerk: please leave


i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”


Adroit python swallowed male and female rabbits and doesn’t need a food anymore.


Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.


So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.


[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.


I’m a take me or leave me kind of girl.

Wait, where ya going?


Sitting on my hand until it gets numb so it feels like someone else is folding my laundry.


I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.