@dyldonot

[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows

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@TheHyyyype

me: what aisle are your dinner cereals in?

supermarket clerk: please leave

@mugkip

i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”

@leshnevsky

Adroit python swallowed male and female rabbits and doesn’t need a food anymore.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.

@ScottLinnen

So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.

@david8hughes

[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.

@DivorceDiva

I’m a take me or leave me kind of girl.

Wait, where ya going?

@Sassafrantz

Sitting on my hand until it gets numb so it feels like someone else is folding my laundry.

@MomOnFire

I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.