[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
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Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
Same pineapple, same
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
Not even remotely sorry.
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.