[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
You Might Also Like
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
If looks could kill
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP