[first date]

ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato

HER: It’s really hot in here

ME: [starts baking] oh no

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[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”


My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.


You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.


My husband said I was passive aggressive so I punched him in the face and said well, you’re half right.


“my favorite bon jovi song? oh its definitely the one where it sounds like a computer is trying to talk while burping”


Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man

Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-

Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*


My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF


Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.


old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’

guess i’m a roast carrot now


First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?