[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
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Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
For the baby who has everything
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select