*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
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I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
constantly working on myself.
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.