@xLiserx

*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.

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@FavoritesYou

Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.

@JohnLyonTweets

Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.

@tracietom

My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison

@3sunzzz

Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*

SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP

Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.

@HeyZeus666

If a baby like Justin Bieber is the face of teen angst and rebellion, then we’ve bubble wrapped our kids too tight.

@iAmDelFreaky

2: Where mommy?

Me: Mommy’s at a meeting.

2: Mommy is meat?

Me: No. Well…yes, but only if we ever get stranded on an island.

2: Ok.

@Lil_Booty_Boss

I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.

@Smooheed

Yes beer, it’s definitely time to try out my karaoke skills on the front lawn again