*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
You Might Also Like
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
Hitlers gonna hitl
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.