[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heart

My date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?

Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP

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Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot


my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend


Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes


Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.

Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage


The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.


Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:

1- Hey

2- Macarena


the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up


(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”

(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*


America: We want the British out

Australia: We want the British out

India: We want the British out

Britain: We want the British out


Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory

Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit