Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heart
My date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
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Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”
(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
America: We want the British out
Australia: We want the British out
India: We want the British out
Britain: We want the British out
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit