(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.

You Might Also Like


[packing for work trip]

“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”


Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…

Me: Black bread.

Chef: We don’t have that.

Me: Racist.


I’m 5’3. I may be short but I have a HUGE personality….disorder.


Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.


[bean naming]

Angel: okay, this one?

God: it’s black, so black bean

A: and this?

G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!

A: k, and this one?

G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!

A: … dude, you alright?


ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*


Give a man a fish, he can eat for a day. Give a man another fish, “Hey man where’s that fish I gave you Monday? YOU ATE IT?! IT WAS A PET!!”


Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.


This dog must been at some wild ass party last night. He still wearing a lampshade around his neck.


My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.