(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
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cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?