@sixfootcandy

(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.

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@dorsalstream

[packing for work trip]

“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”

@iAmJuddy

Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…

Me: Black bread.

Chef: We don’t have that.

Me: Racist.

@eliserose5

I’m 5’3. I may be short but I have a HUGE personality….disorder.

@samdunsiger

Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

[bean naming]

Angel: okay, this one?

God: it’s black, so black bean

A: and this?

G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!

A: k, and this one?

G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!

A: … dude, you alright?

@KalvinMacleod

ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*

@FeelingMervis

Give a man a fish, he can eat for a day. Give a man another fish, “Hey man where’s that fish I gave you Monday? YOU ATE IT?! IT WAS A PET!!”

@KentWGraham

Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.

@AristotlesNZ

This dog must been at some wild ass party last night. He still wearing a lampshade around his neck.

@dumbbeezie

My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.