[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
You Might Also Like
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
I’m 5’3. I may be short but I have a HUGE personality….disorder.
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
Give a man a fish, he can eat for a day. Give a man another fish, “Hey man where’s that fish I gave you Monday? YOU ATE IT?! IT WAS A PET!!”
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
This dog must been at some wild ass party last night. He still wearing a lampshade around his neck.
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.