(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
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mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
when mom throws a party…
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
*mops up wine with cat*
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*