[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
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14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.