[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
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You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
do u think theres a butter planet?
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut