@AmericanGent69

{First Date}

Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.

Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.

Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.

Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.

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@Dani_Feld

When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.

@respected_loner

i hate when the news guys say “our nation’s capital”. stop jerking us around and tell us what city it is

@pezzamissed

Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up

@The_JRM

Captain America: WHERE ARE YOU WE NEED YOU

Black WINDOW: FOR THE LAST TIME YOU GOT THE WRONG NUMBER

@kelkulus

My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.

@Maxine12333

Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.

@C3Ballin

Life was simpler when photo albums were books containing pleasant family snaps and not digital online librarys of me puking in a shoe.

@iamspacegirl

[Spelling Bee]

Judge: Your word is… Grease.

Me: Grease is the word?

Judge: Yes. Grease is the word that you heard.