5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
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This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
My ex was an absolute treasure and by treasure I mean you’ll need a shovel and map to find him.
Overslept this morning and missed church for the last 15 years.
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
that awkward moment when you stub your toe and accidentally summon the spirits of a thousand dead feet while you yell and curse
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper