@Dani_Feld When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
@AmericanGent69 {First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
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@Dani_Feld 
@NotKevinSheedy Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
@respected_loner i hate when the news guys say “our nation’s capital”. stop jerking us around and tell us what city it is
@pezzamissed Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
@The_JRM Captain America: WHERE ARE YOU WE NEED YOU
Black WINDOW: FOR THE LAST TIME YOU GOT THE WRONG NUMBER
@kelkulus My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
@Maxine12333 Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
@C3Ballin Life was simpler when photo albums were books containing pleasant family snaps and not digital online librarys of me puking in a shoe.
@LittleVodkaOwl TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
@iamspacegirl [Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is… Grease.
Me: Grease is the word?
Judge: Yes. Grease is the word that you heard.