{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
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If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
Said the murderer.
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah