[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
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I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster