*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
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The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that