*First Date*

Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.

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Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!

Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?

Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ


WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
ME: I don’t know


Sleeping In A Car By Age:

12 And Under: Very cool

13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal

18+: Uh-Oh


“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck


[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
“Oh honey, I love it!”


Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.


My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”


I wanted to buy your kid a drum set for her birthday to annoy you but she hates drums.

So instead I bought her a haunted porcelain doll that gets up and plays the drums at 3am