Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
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Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: I don’t know
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
“Oh honey, I love it!”
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
I wanted to buy your kid a drum set for her birthday to annoy you but she hates drums.
So instead I bought her a haunted porcelain doll that gets up and plays the drums at 3am
A cannibal is just a foodie who likes other foodies.