[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
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Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on