GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
BLUE WHALE: um what?
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
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Stare all you want.
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
In a meeting.
Can I go first? Thanks.
Gets up and leaves.
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
Are babies like tamagotchis? Like, will my friend take care of it if I forget it at her house?
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.