[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
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I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.