@Lisa_Laughs_ I wasn’t trying to break you up, but she asked me what I did last night, and your name came up. *shrugs
@dafloydsta [first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
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@Lisa_Laughs_ 
@LordofScribble As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
@XplodingUnicorn 6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
@MrsJekyllsHyde Coworker: I don’t even know what’s wrong with me. *sighs
Me: Oo Oooo pick me pick me I know *raises hand with answer
@3sunzzz Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
@Love_bug1016 It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
@Divergentmama I just took a DNA test turns out I’m 100% a passive aggressive mom but if you called once in awhile you would know that.
@jwoodham Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
@BadLuckBrian_18 Uses pic of car as profile pic. Gets hunted down by Decepticons.
@OctopusCaveman Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”