[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet

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I wasn’t trying to break you up, but she asked me what I did last night, and your name came up. *shrugs


As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.


6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?

Me: You have the flu.

6: I’m sick, not dead.


Coworker: I don’t even know what’s wrong with me. *sighs

Me: Oo Oooo pick me pick me I know *raises hand with answer


Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.


It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.


I just took a DNA test turns out I’m 100% a passive aggressive mom but if you called once in awhile you would know that.


Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”


Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”