[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
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My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.