@dafloydsta

[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet

You Might Also Like

@Lisa_Laughs_

I wasn’t trying to break you up, but she asked me what I did last night, and your name came up. *shrugs

@LordofScribble

As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.

@XplodingUnicorn

6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?

Me: You have the flu.

6: I’m sick, not dead.

@MrsJekyllsHyde

Coworker: I don’t even know what’s wrong with me. *sighs

Me: Oo Oooo pick me pick me I know *raises hand with answer

@3sunzzz

Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.

@Love_bug1016

It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.

@Divergentmama

I just took a DNA test turns out I’m 100% a passive aggressive mom but if you called once in awhile you would know that.

@jwoodham

Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”

@OctopusCaveman

Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”