[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
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i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
KFC hitting the cannibal market
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.