First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
You Might Also Like
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.