@Gupton68

[first date]

me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs

her: to meet your princess?

me: er yeah, whatever you say…

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@MrFornicator

I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.

@iwearaonesie

me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*

@sarcasticmommy4

*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*

Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!

Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.

@FuckabillyRex

Just apologized to my dog for being a crazy person, and I could tell by the way she didn’t respond that she’s been thinking it for a while.

@GingerHotDish

Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.

@longwall26

If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”

@boring_as_heck

Crime rates are down 100% after President Obama made it illegal to do crimes. “I don’t know why we didn’t think of this before,” he said.

@theabstractass

Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.

And throw them.