[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
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3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
some cats are just doing for fun!
Breaking news:
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*