[first date]

me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs

her: to meet your princess?

me: er yeah, whatever you say…

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Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?

Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.


[first day as a coroner]
me: he died at 11:42AM
detective: are you positive
me: it’s hard with all this death but i’m hanging in there


Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.


Yes, other people are stupid. But to everyone but you, you are one of those other people.


Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt


My parenting life wavers between “Be original and true to yourself” and “Please don’t make the school psychologist call me again this week”.


At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die


When Edison got the idea for the lightbulb, an oil lamp appeared over his head.


Got really excited when my wife said she was going to teach me something new in the bedroom until she started folding a fitted sheet.