[first date]

me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs

her: to meet your princess?

me: er yeah, whatever you say…

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I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.


me *stops crying*
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*


*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*

Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!

Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.


Just apologized to my dog for being a crazy person, and I could tell by the way she didn’t respond that she’s been thinking it for a while.


Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.


If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”


Crime rates are down 100% after President Obama made it illegal to do crimes. “I don’t know why we didn’t think of this before,” he said.


Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.

And throw them.