@Gupton68

[first date]

me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs

her: to meet your princess?

me: er yeah, whatever you say…

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@iLikeCatShirts

Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?

Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.

@themiltron

[first day as a coroner]
me: he died at 11:42AM
detective: are you positive
me: it’s hard with all this death but i’m hanging in there

@shutupmikeginn

Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.

@TheTweetOfGod

Yes, other people are stupid. But to everyone but you, you are one of those other people.

@WhatTheFFacts

Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt

@Getnosexual

My parenting life wavers between “Be original and true to yourself” and “Please don’t make the school psychologist call me again this week”.

@Merman_Melville

At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die

@michaeljhudson

When Edison got the idea for the lightbulb, an oil lamp appeared over his head.

@Brianhopecomedy

Got really excited when my wife said she was going to teach me something new in the bedroom until she started folding a fitted sheet.