Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
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Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
Shortcut
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
I hope google does well on my son’s test
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.