@jackiembouvier

[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?

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@amishschool

Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.

@NewDadNotes

God: you’re an amphibian.

Frog: what does that mean?

God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.

Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?

God: no that’s not what I-

Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.

@Hormonella

“Who’s sorry now?”

~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam

@Naked_Superman

Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.

Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?

Mom: 27

@sageboggs

Listen up, guys

Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose

@Mr_goose007

The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.

@robdelaney

My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.

@Thynebear

[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you

@pmclellan

My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.