[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
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Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
Spotted in New Orleans.
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”