Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
You Might Also Like
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
When you try to wash a spoon and it wash you back