(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
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Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
My circle of trust is a meatball
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
They’re not wrong
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny