[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
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Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
It do be feeling this way.
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
bad news gang
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man