Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
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People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
wtf management?!
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
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Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.