[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
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Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
The happy life.. 😊
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.