[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
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My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
the only organized thing in my life is crime
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know