[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
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like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
yall want some gasoline milk
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.