[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
You Might Also Like
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
The morning after pill, but for tweets
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
Travel bloggers during quarantine
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.