That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
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Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
I hate when that happens.
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.