[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
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HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
Always a housemaid, never a house.
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”