[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
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Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.