[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
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My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
Hey Fugeddaboutit
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
Love is always patient and kind.
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?