*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
You Might Also Like
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
Saving my good tweets for marriage
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
[on my way back to the posting caves]
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.