@david8hughes

[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?

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@SortaBad

Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink

@RSF788

The best reply to “I love you” is “Well that’s a terrible idea.”

@markedly

BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges w/ ur debit card
ME: How’d you know it wasn’t me
B: They entered the PIN correctly 1st try
M: Dear god

@plank_sinatra

What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed

@Mr_Kapowski

90% of women that wear yoga pants probably don’t do yoga. 100% of straight men don’t care.

@Douchekevin

If you ever saw me race to the liquor store 5 mins before it closes, you’d hire me for a getaway driver in a bank heist any day.

@TheHatStore

[dinner at my parents’]

my gf: thank you for having me

me: they’re not your parents weirdo

@markleggett

“When you wish upon a star, it takes trillions of years for the wish to get there, and by that stage you’re dead.” – Neil deGrasse Tyson.