[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
You Might Also Like
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
Just say no
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?