Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
Me: that is hilarious
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
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Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
The best reply to “I love you” is “Well that’s a terrible idea.”
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges w/ ur debit card
ME: How’d you know it wasn’t me
B: They entered the PIN correctly 1st try
M: Dear god
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
Does any one know a program that converts mp3’s into Nutella?
90% of women that wear yoga pants probably don’t do yoga. 100% of straight men don’t care.
If you ever saw me race to the liquor store 5 mins before it closes, you’d hire me for a getaway driver in a bank heist any day.
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
“When you wish upon a star, it takes trillions of years for the wish to get there, and by that stage you’re dead.” – Neil deGrasse Tyson.