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I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
A fake ID that makes you younger
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
If you need a laugh.. 😅
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min