[first date]
Me: What are you into?
Her: Well…I enjoy toys…

Me: *wrestling away dog’s chew toy*
Rex, gimme a break! I don’t know why she wants this thing but I’m sure she won’t break the squeaker.

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*sees neighbors bringing in KFC

*knocks on door

Have you seen my dog she got out *teary eyed

Neighbor: Aw. No, but if there’s-

Some KFC?


You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.




Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,


me: would you ever hit someone with a car for $50

Date: oh dear god no

Me: *counting my money* what about $57?


ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher

*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*

TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this


PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.


If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”


adrenaline does crazy shit to the human body. i saw a lady trapped under a car and suddenly felt a surge of energy so i went to the gym