[first date]
Me: What are you into?
Her: Well…I enjoy toys…

Me: *wrestling away dog’s chew toy*
Rex, gimme a break! I don’t know why she wants this thing but I’m sure she won’t break the squeaker.

You Might Also Like


“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”

– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers


using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me


I’d tell my neighbor about the weird smell coming from her apartment, but she’s been so quiet that I don’t want to disturb her.


*Goes fishing

*Catches Spongebob

*Hangs him on my wall as a trophy

*Too lazy to buy a sponge

*Uses Spongebob to clean toilet


Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.


Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat


I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.


An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.

Octopuses call that “leg day.”


“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
*complete silence*