@UnFitz

[first date]
Me: What are you into?
Her: Well…I enjoy toys…

[later]
Me: *wrestling away dog’s chew toy*
Rex, gimme a break! I don’t know why she wants this thing but I’m sure she won’t break the squeaker.

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@Thynebear

“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”

– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers

@TweetPotato314

using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me

@liv_thatsme

I’d tell my neighbor about the weird smell coming from her apartment, but she’s been so quiet that I don’t want to disturb her.

@Shellsterca

*Goes fishing

*Catches Spongebob

*Hangs him on my wall as a trophy

*Too lazy to buy a sponge

*Uses Spongebob to clean toilet

@JasonLastname

Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.

@wittwitbarista

Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat

@LizHackett

I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.

@SteveKoehler22

An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.

Octopuses call that “leg day.”

@BlindChow

“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN