@UnFitz

[first date]
Me: What are you into?
Her: Well…I enjoy toys…

[later]
Me: *wrestling away dog’s chew toy*
Rex, gimme a break! I don’t know why she wants this thing but I’m sure she won’t break the squeaker.

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@ThaJawn

*sees neighbors bringing in KFC

*knocks on door

Have you seen my dog she got out *teary eyed

Neighbor: Aw. No, but if there’s-

Some KFC?

@AbbyHasIssues

You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.

@

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@audipenny

Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,

@captainkalvis

me: would you ever hit someone with a car for $50

Date: oh dear god no

Me: *counting my money* what about $57?

@ArfMeasures

ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher

*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*

TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this

@baronvonbike

PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.

@PaulyPeligroso

If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”

@eedrk

adrenaline does crazy shit to the human body. i saw a lady trapped under a car and suddenly felt a surge of energy so i went to the gym