Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
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OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
seems fine
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.